


Let Me Be Frank

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: But seriously this is all crackier than you could possibly imagine, Crack, Crack Fic, Do Not, Don't try to tell me Erwin isn't as dorky as Frank, Erwin is a dork, F/M, Levi is a dork in denial, M/M, Mike is done with Everyone's shit, The 104th training corps are dorks in the making
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5636200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Series of drabbles based on different scenes from the 2014 movie 'Frank'. Aka: an insight into the dork that is Erwin Smith and his band of veterans, and how the 104th struggle to survive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Be Frank

**Author's Note:**

> Crack Fic/Drabbles by the marvelous 66honeybadgers.tumblr.com and moi  
> (The-eruri-in-her-eyes.tumblr.com). Based on the 2014 movie Frank (Yes, the one starring Michael Fassbender and yes because Fassbender).

Jean took in a deep breath as he wiped his sweaty palms on the white fabric of his pants. It was like his sweat glands were a broken tap that just wouldn’t stop leaking.

 ‘God damn it, Kirschtien. Pull yourself together!’

But he couldn’t. The whole thing was fucking terrifying.The idea of being in a room alone and unsupervised with Commander Erwin and his stone blank face and /dead/ eyes was enough to send his heart slipping out his butt.

Or worse…what if Captain Levi was in there with him? The guy who looked like he was always, ALWAYS thinking of new ways to murder everyone for God knows what reason?

What did he ever do to deserve this crap?

'Well, there was that one time he accidentally put salt in his tea instead of sugar…’

Jean shook all the horrifying thoughts of everything that could go wrong in exactly two minutes from now, and knocked on the commander’s office door before creaking it open and peaking inside.

“You, um, wanted to see me?” Was he forgetting something? Oh, shit, right, “Sir!”

“Don’t stand in the doorway, Jean. Take a seat,” Commander Erwin said in his flat, low voice, keeping his eyes fixed on Jean’s face from the moment he creaked the door open.

There it was. The creepy doll like eyes that stared into the sins of your past and present, the impatient lips, stretched thin and letting out a voice that made every living being with half a brain shit their pants. Maybe that’s why they always got funded?

Maybe all  Commander Erwin had to do was stare at people until they felt uncomfortable enough to throw their money at him and run with what was left of their sanity?

Whatever the case, Jean stopped himself from wobbling on his liquified legs and went over to take a seat in one of the two chairs opposite The commander’s desk.

“Sir, can I please just say, that whatever it is you think I’ve done wrong,” Jean let out a long breath and forced himself to look The commander in the eye “Is completely Jaeger’s fault.”

The commander tsked, the sound chilling Jean’s spine.

“I didn’t ask for your presence so I can hear all about your little quarrel with Eren. Again. No, Jean,” Erwin said, putting both his hands on the desk and intertwining his fingers, “What I want to discuss with you is important. More important than you could possibly imagine. Isn’t that right, Captain Levi?”

“I think it’s stupid,” Jean heard from the small sofa to the far left of the office, before his mind could start screaming. Because what the actual /fuck/? When did the captain walk in?! Was he hiding under the sofa? Was Jean going blind?! Jean’s eye could only twitch as he heard the Capitan continue in a distasteful mumble, 

“For the love of fuck, Erwin, we’ve been through this before and nothing’s worked. You just need to accept the fact you’re unpopular with the cadets.”

“And that’s exactly what I wanted to discuss with you,” Erwin turned his attention back to Jean and offered him a wry sneer that failed to be a cordial smile, “It was brought to my attention that I might not be that…..'likeable’ among the cadets. And the younger audience in general.”

“Why do you even care?” The captain groaned, as if Jean wasn’t already shitting his pants at this entire situation. Oh god, they had him cornered “They’re not here to like you. They’re here to chop titan dicks off!”

“Titans do not have a genital system, Captain. But we are not here to discuss anatomy. Jean, I want you to be entirely honest with me. Look into my eyes and tell me you can do that,” Erwin said as he slowly leaned over the desk and moved his face closer to Jean’s, “Can you do that for your Commander?”

“Uhh,” Jean wiped his hands on his pants again. But it wasn’t working, they were leaking like gushing taps, his eyes frozen on the commander’s. He could feel his very soul crippling to little pieces,  “I, uuuh, umm, Uuuh, well,”

“That’s not a coherent answer, Jean. Try again.”

“Yno!” Jean cringed and swallowed the lump down his throat,  “Nes? Yo?”

“Just say yes already!” The Captain snapped. Jean’s bones rattled in their places, “The suspense is killing me.”

“Yes!” Jean blurted, “Yes, sir!”

“Wonderful. Now,” The Commander leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his broad chest, looking at Jean from under his eyelashes, “What do you think I lack in my daily interaction with the cadets?”

“What you…lack?” How the hell was he supposed to answer that?! “I, um, I don’t think you…Uh, lack anything, sir.”

“What did I tell you about honesty, Jean?” The Commander cocked a brow, “It’s crystal clear that something doesn’t go according to plan when it comes to my public image among the cadets”

“But, but, I mean…why would you think I knew what was wr‐if anything was wrong?”

“Kirschtein,” The Captain’s voice became louder, deeper, like he was coming closer. No, like he was standing right behind him “This can be easy. Or very, very difficult. And let’s just say, I don’t mind making it difficult if it means I’ll get to grab an early lunch.”

Erwin’s glazed eyes followed their Captain as he went to sit right to Jean’s left. In a completely hilarious antithesis, Jean was sweating bullets in his chair, whereas Levi stared down at him with the same disinterested scowl that he kept fixed on that sharp face all day long.

“What Captain Levi and I are trying to understand is your mechanism of coping with an adult’s constant presence around you. I couldn’t help but notice how….uncomfortable you and the other cadets look when a superior officers demands to see you.”

Because all their superior officers were a bunch of weirdos. But that was just Jean’s personal opinion. One he’d formed after witnessing Squad Leader Hanji’s constant excited screaming fest whenever they’d see a titan, or Squad Leader Mike’s constant sniffing which made Jean self conscious enough to shower twice a day, or Nanaba ‐NANABA‐ who called him 'stud’ that one time. Jaeger said it was actually directed at Squad Leader Mike who was standing behind Jean at the time, but then Jaeger could suck a dick because he was just jealous no mature women were flirting with him.

“Well…um, I‐I don’t know about everyone else, but…there is one thing that kind of,” What was a smart word for freaks the fuck out?“…intimidates me when it comes to you, sir.”

“There are the results,” Erwin nodded, “And what would that one thing be?”

“Your face.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Your” Jean cleared his throat and tried not to combust under The Captain’s blazing glare from right beside him, “Your face. The way you…just stare at people like you want to kill them…sir”

“But that doesn’t make any sense,” Erwin flicked his wrist as if he was trying to dismiss Jean’s confession, “Does it make any sense to you, Captain?”

“Not one bit,” The Captain clicked his tongue, “I think you have the face of a drunk baby. Maybe he means your eyebrows.”

“Um, N‐no,” Jean cleared his throat again and sat up straighter, “I mean your whole face, sir. Like right now? It looks like you’re going to get up and punch me any second.”

“No,” Captain Levi said in the slowest way possible, “If he did want to punch you, I’d be the one doing it. And that’s ten times worse. Trust me.”

“I never thought of it that way,” Erwin’s voice trailed off as he frowned in sheer confusion “That might affect the bond I have with my soldiers.”

“That’s exactly why,” He said, looking from the captain to Jean, “I came up with my most likeable plan ever.”  
Jean and Levi’s eyes both went flying to the commander’s face, the former gathering his thoughts enough first to stammer.

“Your…what, sir?”

“My most likeable plan ever,” Erwin repeated, more confident this time, “I can see you both are shivering with anticipation so I will be straightforward. I decided that from now, I would try to be more close to my soldiers and fellow officers alike. But I need your honest opinion on this, Jean.”

“This is so stupid,” Levi groaned and rubbed at his eyes, “Erwin. Erwin, listen to me. Please just let the kid go so we can go have lunch already?”

“I don’t mind helping,” Jean kept a dead, blank stare on The commander’s face as a single, slick drop of sweat slid down the side of his face when Captain Levi turned his murderous gaze back to him, “I don’t mind.”

“I knew I could count on you, Jean,” The commander grinned in a way that Jean bet would terrify the craziest of serial killers,

“Please remember that I want the truth and nothing but the truth from you.”

“Of course, sir.”

Commander Erwin took in a deep breath, before looking right into Jean’s soul, “Would you feel better if I said my facial expressions out loud? I strongly believe that this will help you discover my true intentions effortlessly.”

“What. The. Shit, Erwin?”

The Captain couldn’t have read out Jean’s thoughts better if he’d tried. What kind of idea was that? What did it even mean? WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO SAY?

“I‐I‐Uh‐Well,” Jean’s hand tugged at his collar. Why did the room’s temperature suddenly shoot up six hundred degrees and not in a good way? “You see, um, I…I g‐guess?”

“You guess?” Captain Levi scoffed, “This is absolutely ridiculous! How the hell are you even supposed to do that? Look them in the eye and go "Welcoming Smile”?“

"Exactly what I had in mind,” Erwin enthused and pointed his index finger at Levi, “Now, Captain. Would you be kind enough as to help me test this theory of mine?”

“I’m not taking part in these kiddie games, Erwin.”

“I said,” Erwin cleared his throat and shot Levi a death glare, 

“Would you be kind enough as to help me?”

Jean turned to look at the captain. He watched him purse his lips into a thin white line, hold his breath till his face almost turned blue, before letting out a deafening groan and slamming his fist on the table.

“Yes,”

“Yes what?”

“You’re pushing it,” Captain Levi gritted out.

“Excellent. I want you to tell me something that can affect me in a negative way.”

“Oh ho, that’d be my pleasure,” The Captain’s lips tweaked from their scowl to an unmissable smirk as he leaned forward with his hands planted flat on the desk, “You kiss like a sloppy toddler, leaving spit everywhere. It’s disgusting.

The Captain sat back down and sighed, "According to Mrs. Dok, of course. I have no idea.”

“…..Hurt and disappointed look as if the son he never had grew up to be a degenerate.”

Jean bit his lower lip hard enough to taste blood, but just couldn’t stop a snort of laughter. He didn’t have to look at the flash of murder in Captain Levi’s eyes to know he would be dying a few seconds later, but he couldn’t help it. His eyes were watering. His vision was blurring.

And people thought him and Jaeger had problems.

“I got a better one,” The Captain hissed, “Intense glare like he’s about to stab someone in the dick.”

“I think this is very effective, Captain. Wouldn’t you agree, Jean? ‐Demanding but politely patient look‐”

“Definitely, sir,” Jean choked, barely holding himself from breaking into hysterical laughter, “‐Stern and sincere face‐”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Captain Levi ran a hand over his face, “Stop saying your facial expressions out loud. It’s extremely annoying.”

“Why’s that? ‐Disapproving, fatherly frown‐”

“Erwin, I mean it.”

“But I am serious, Levi ‐Serious, encouraging stance‐”

“Oh my god, stop! ‐Gritting teeth with right eye twitching!‐”

“This is an excellent method to get closer to the cadets, Captain.” Erwin turned to look at Jean? “‐Platonic, suggestive wink‐”  
Jean nodded firmly, “I couldn’t agree more, sir ‐Subtle reciprocated platonic wink‐”

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Captain Levi snapped, “It’s a sure fire way to become the military’s laughing stock ‐unblinking glare of pure, unsuppressed rage at your idiocy‐.”

“‐Conflicted, slightly offended look‐ Give it a bit of time. Jean is one of our most valuable cadets and he has already agreed with this method.”

“‐Disbelieving glare because cannot believe you’re being this daft‐ You’re being creepier than you usually are!” The Captain said, “And Kirschtein can’t even tell the difference between salt and sugar for fucks sake!”

“It only happened once!” Jean protested. His breath stopped in his throat when The Captain whipped around to him, “I‐I ‐Fearful quivering of lower lip with suggestive cry for help from commander‐”

“‐Soothing smile and friendly pat on the back‐ We all make mistakes, son. I am sure Captain Levi is only kidding”

“‐Friendly pat on the back‐ is not a facial expression!”

Jean cleared his throat, “Um, so…can I be excused now, sir? ‐Innocent blinking because it’s bratwurst Tuesday and Sasha has been dreaming of it since last Tuesday‐.”

“Of course,” Commander Erwin nodded, “Scouts’ salute and determined stare‐ Dismissed.”

“You’re being a complete jerk about this, Erwin,” Captain Levi crossed his arms and tapped his fingers impatiently.

“Oh, you are overreacting, Levi. From what I’ve seen, the boy seemed to be more relaxed than ever”

Jean slowly slipped out of his chair, careful to step around it and as far away from the captain as possible. The shorter man seemed about ready to strangle him and The Commander both with the commander’s bolo tie, and Jean was pretty sure he would pay for those little comments he made in blood. With a silent shudder at all the horrors to come, he creaked the door open again and moved to get out only to come face first into what he only guessed was a brick wall.

Jean blinked and staggered back, eyes shooting up only to find Squad Leader Mike standing in the doorway with a stack of papers clutched in one hand.

“Whoops, sorry, little man. Didn’t see you there,” He gave Jean a small pat on the shoulder before stepping around him and into the room where Captain Levi was all but climbing on the desk like a rabid cat in an attempt to get The Commander to listen to him,  “Um, I sure hope I’m not interrupting anything? In front of a /cadet/? Really?”

“A‐ah, Mike,” Erwin peeked over Levi’s shoulder, “‐warm, welcoming smile‐ I see you are done with your share of paperwork.”

“Warm, welcoming what now?” Jean heard the Squad Leader say as he closed the door behind him, rubbing at his eyes to rid himself of the tears of suppressed laughter. Well, he thought and made his way to the mess hall, that certainly went a lot better than expected. 

For him, of course.

Not the captain, whose frustrated screams could be heard all the way at the military police base.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are deeply appreciated!


End file.
